One for the books

So my Gabby girl has been waiting for the last year to get a Husky Hero bracelet. What pray tell is this? Well the school recognizes kids that are cooperative, helpful, caring, etc. Basically kids that love the school and are good people. Hello that's my girl. Each week at all school sing, they draw five names from a bag and I sit anxiously wondering if I will hear my girls name. Well it didn't happen all last year and it hadn't happened yet this year either. Now luckily Gabby is the kind of kid that gives it a 'oh well' and still goes on doing good. But as a Mom you want each and every little dream your kid has to come true. Especially one so easy as this.

Today was all school sing again and I drug myself and my stroller bound toddler to the gym. Don't get me wrong I truly (and I'm being honest) love to hear little kids sing off key. Especially when two of those little angels are your own. Both girls looked around to see if I was there and gave the excited wave. I just love this age where it's still ok to love your Mom. I treasure it because I know the day will pass. So I sat through song after song, learned some new sign language, and jollied my toddler along. Finally they got to the Husky Hero awards. They first asked if there were any kids that had a special adult they wanted to recognize. Alex's teacher got called up so that made me smile. But I really wanted to get to the kids. Come on already! Well you can tell where I'm going with this...my Gabby's name got called. To watch the smile come over this kids face would have melted any mother's heart. She beamed, she quick hugged her sister, and she gave me the sweetest 'I did it Mom' look. Ok yeah I cried. After the sing when they all were walking back to class I waiting just to give my girl a little wave. But instead she ran up to me, gave me a big hug, and said 'I got it Momma'. And I'll admit, I carried that high with me the entire day.

But...the best part of the day was still to come. When I was driving with Gab and Jess to pick up Lex from a playdate Gabby said, 'You know Momma I really wanted to raise my hand and recognize you for a Husky Hero. But I just wasn't sure what to say because you are just so wonderful.' Gotta tell you, those words right there were better than any plastic bracelet.

When you sign up to be a parent you know it's going to be long hours and mostly thankless work. You get rewarded in smiles and agree to be the bad cop and punching bag when needed. It's rare when a kid will stop and tell you exactly how appreciated you are. Now I don't need thanks or appreciation but I can tell you, I loved it. This day is one for the memory book. I will treasure it and hold it dear. And when that same little gal is standing 10 years from now in my kitchen telling me that I'm ruining her life and she hates me, I'm going to pull out this memory and remember that at that moment on that particular day I was a wonderful Mom.

Where has the time gone

Well my oldest is on the eve of her seventh birthday. How that time got away from me I will never know. Picture a loosely curled blond haired girl running through the sand, shouting at the birds, while laughing all the while. That is the best image I could think of to describe my girl. Her hair is curly and always wild. She has energy to spare. She is strong willed and opinionated, but oh so loving. Her laugh is highly contagious. If you couldn't tell I really like this little gal.

When I brought her home a whole 5lbs, 12 ounces, I thought this tiny being was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She looked like a cross between my Mom and Rick. Even though he would deny seeing any resemblance of him. Since she was so tiny and born five weeks early I drove myself crazy making sure she ate enough, slept enough, reached all major milestones, etc. Basically I coddled her to pieces. Over the years she has proven to be a little challenging to raise. With each new addition to the family, the adjustment period has been long and trying. At one point last year, Rick and I barely had an evening where we weren't teary eyed talking about what to do with our little miss. But we survived, only slightly damaged. And I learned a lot about myself as a person and parent along the way. I'm definitely not the parent now that I was seven years ago.

This year we have had the privileged of watching her develop into a beautiful girl. I've never met anyone in my life that had such a strong idea of self. She loves her family. She is the best caregiver, most creative artist, and truly a loving soul. If I need an honest opinion I trust hers.

Somedays I think she is really my role model/parent instead of the other way around. I wish I had her passion and determination. There is no doubt in my mind that she will conquer the world and make friends while doing it.

Now I have a list of life regrets, but marrying my husband and having three wonderful kids are not on the list. They truly define who I am. All four are the greatest thing about me. So on this birthday eve, I find myself with mixed emotions. On the one side I will miss my 2.5 year old baby storming into the hall to tell me 'you are being ridiculous and I am being difficult' and the other side I am loving watching this little girl turn into a young woman. I am so proud of my girl and can't wait to see how she keeps growing and changing.

I know the dreaded tween and teen years where good old Mom is the enemy and can do no right are not too far away. I expect it and have seen tiny glimpses of it, but I'll survive. I know someday the two of us will sit and have a glass of wine and laugh about her childhood. Next to my husband, my mom is my best friend. I hope Gabby and I will have that someday. She is definitely someone I will want to know.

So to the world I say, 'stand back, hold on, my girl is coming.'
To her sisters I say, 'watch and learn from your big sister and know that if you need a friend, she is the best one you will ever have'.
To the grandparents I say, 'enjoy her while she still thinks you make the world turn. And love her for who she is, which is a pretty great gal'.
And to my love all I can say is, 'this has been an adventure so far and I'm sure the adventure will continue. But I can't think of anyone I would rather face these challenges and joys with. You are the world best Dad and Gabby is the loving wonderful gal she is because of you'.
Finally, to my Gabby I say, 'you've come a long way baby. I'm proud of the person you are. I admire your passion and spirit. Remember always be true to who you are. You have a better sense of self than a seven year old should have. Be true to that. And most of all, remember you are loved and that is the most important thing in the world.'


I love you my girl.
Happy Birthday

Where to Spread the Worry

Ever find yourself waking up, listening to the birds, thinking 'wow I have nothing to worry about, what a great day'? Well, I don't. Now that's not to say that there aren't moments in the day that I don't feel relaxed and just able to take it all in and enjoy. But...the majority of my waking (and truth be told, non waking moments) are spent worrying about someone.

Case in point. It was brought to my attention by my oldest daughters teacher that she needs a little more work on the sight words. Now this didn't come as a major surprise. I know my daughter and I know where her interests lie and I can tell you it is with a paintbrush and not so much the words. But it still bothered me to hear the teacher point this out. I guess I was hoping I could get her caught up before anyone noticed. Yeah right I know, those teachers are pretty smart. So I have popped into action with handouts, games, and m&m incentives. Basically when we aren't swimming, eating or sleeping, we are doing something learningish. I know in my heart she is smart and will get it and I guess the part that bothered me was that I know this is just the first of many little hiccups in her life.

You think that all you want as a parent is for your kids to be happy. But, come on, that isn't all we want. I want my kids to be happy, social, civic minded, community service oriented, healthy, athletic, artistic, caring, loving.....seriously I could go on and on. My biggest question is if they were happy would I stop worrying? Or would I just find something else to worry about. Take a kid that doesn't fit in, doesn't have any friends, but is doing well in school and appears to be happy. Does that parent so 'oh well' to the rest and take on the 'at least they are happy' mentality? I guess you have to. You can lead, assist, influence, but in the end they are what they are.

So I sit back and think how happy I am my middle child loves school and is social. I smile thinking about how my baby is finally liking her daycare and is adjusting to being away from Mom. And I try to focus on my oldest being happy and just have faith that the rest will all work out. Am I still going to lose sleep over my kids, you betcha.

Big Girls

Well today is the official first day back at school. We got lunches packed, outfits laid out, hair do's created and still made it on time. There is all this planning and prepping but the feeling that you get when you look ahead and see your little girls strolling up to the big gates of school, that is a hard emotion to plan for.

Unfortunately my rock couldn't make it today, so I had to big girl it up myself. I kept thinking of things Rick would say. "This is a good thing." "She is so ready for school." "This is an exciting time." And yes, that's all true. But when it was time to leave Lex sitting on the carpet my heart just broke a little. She's my buddy. My morning coffee gal. And truthfully without her home, I feel a little lost. I'm looking forward to time with Jess and just getting a chance to catch me breath. But I do miss my girls.

My friend came over with her two girls and we were talking about the first week. I was really pleased that she was feeling exactly like I was. We both love our girls and love doing things for and with them. Personally I think I am too dependent on my kids. They are my happy thought. They complete me. And that scares me a little. I don't want to be rocking myself in a corner for weeks after they leave for college. I don't want my Mommyness to totally define who I am. So if anything this week, I got a little slap in the face. Come on now, your kids are going to leave and start the pull from Mom and Dad. It's good. It's normal. And oh so painful.

So I am setting some personal goals. I need some hobbies that fulfill and complete. I need to steal some time away with just my love so we can stay connected as a couple. Basically I need to find me. But for this week, I'm going to sulk just a little. I'm going to roam around directionless. I'm going to allow myself to soak in the change and figure out how to operate without my Lexi and my Gabby setting the tone. Those personal goals will just have to wait till next Monday.

Clocking Out

Unfortunately a good chunk of motherhood feels like, dare I admit, work. You throw on so many hats in a day, its hard not to feel like a worker bee.

The Waitress Job
Kids - "What's for breakfast"
Waitress - "Buttermilk pancakes"
Kids - "Is that all?"

Exit Waitress who runs to the kitchen, makes the pancakes from scratch, pours the milk, brews the coffee, tries her best to creatively shape the pancakes into appealing kid shapes, brings the food to the table, calls the kids to breakfast, call the kids again, screams for the kids to bring their lovely bottoms to the table, retrieves the pancakes from the table to zap since they are cold, sits down to enjoy breakfast, leaps up to mop up spilled milk, clears the table, loads the dishwasher, returns to her own untouched breakfast to discover someone has removed the whip cream and strawberry's from her own plate, then decides to forget breakfast since it's time to make lunches.

Trust me their are many other roles where the scrips runs about like the above. Now, don't get me wrong, payment of smiles and pictures of rainbows are enough to keep me going. But, like all employees when the time has come for me to clock out for the night, I want to be done. I pride myself on running a fairly streamlined evening program. There is dinner, baths, occasional dance mania, books and then to bed. I will allow for the occasional re-tuck, book retrieval, or cold water gathering. However, if I have too many requests, I have the strong need to pull out my timecard and start demanding my time and a half. I realize that I'm a salaried employee that isn't paid by the hour, but I get resentful of people cutting into my non-work time. As a Mom you feel like the amount of time that you actually just get to think about nothing but yourself is about 2% of your day. So when the boss starts asking for part of that 2%, I'm irked (my middle child's new favorite word - love it).

And like any disgruntled employee, do I have an answer, a solution to this problem. Nope, I'll just write in my blog and pour myself a glass of wine and remember that this is the job of a lifetime and someday I'll miss it.

Defintion of a Mom

So when I finally got the little people down for the evening I sat myself down, pulled out my cut out fabric and started working on a skirt for Gabby. You may be thinking "oh how excellent, you sew". Actually, no I do not. Just getting my bobbin (is that the right word) threaded was a feat in and of itself. And yes the machine jammed. And yes I had to attempt to pull mechanisms apart and cram them back together. But, at the end of the night I had sewed what looked like an actual skirt. Well, an actual skirt made with love. I refuse to call it loving hands of home.

This is going to sound a little strange and I'm sure it will invoke a few "huh" comments, but I truly believe that I should sew. Let me rephrase...I think as a Mom I should know how to sew. And yes, I'm a fairly liberal, women studies minor type person so that's a pretty strange Susie Homemaker comment coming from me. But darn it, I believe it. I started to think more about this idea I have of what traits I should have. So, if I was going to post a job for myself here are the top 10 requirements:

1) Mom should be able to sew a simple skirt (not talking Project Runway here)
2) Mom should be able to assemble a basic Halloween costume - sew, staple, glue gun (personal fav) or whatever mean to make it happen
3) Mom should have a fall back, never fail chocolate chip cookie recipe. And be able to sense when the day requires that cookie to make it all better.
4) Mom should be able to throw a birthday party that will ooh, ah, and most importantly make that recipient feel like the luckiest little person in the world.
5) Mom should be able to make coffee, scramble eggs, feed baby, and do a french braid. And yes, all at the same time.
6) Mom should be able to reach into the depths of the drawer and find the only pair of non itchy matching socks (for 3 kids)
7) Mom should be able to determine when to tickle and when to hug
8) Mom should be able to pull together a dynamite dinner or at the least know where the number is to have it delivered
9) Mom should always have band aids and know the special rub/blowing of imaginary magic powder to relive pain
10) Mom should lie awake at night thinking about the little people and their little troubles and how to fix it all. And even with only 4 hours sleep, she better be ready to address all those troubles, put out all those fires, and make sure her little customers head off for the day with a smile and not a worry on their minds.

I would love to tell you that I have these all mastered myself. I do make a mean chocolate chip cookie and I'm hell on wheels with my glue gun. I definitely don't think all Mom's need to do these things. This is just what I feel like I should bring to the table. So, yes I will keep attempting to sew those made with love, crazy hemmed garments. And I will attempt to pull all the troops together for a wholesome breakfast of whatever the heck I could cook up when I wasn't brow beating them to brush teeth, put on shoes, etc. But the reason I will do it is because I love being a Mom and I take my job seriously. Whether or not I need to, I give myself a report card and I just keep trying to bring up the grade.

Where in the World have you been?

Yes, I know. You don't have to tell me it's been forever since I've written in my blog. Trust me, I know. Do I have a great excuse? Nope. Let's just say that summer with all the little people home 24x7 has not left me with much bon bon eatin, nap taken, blog writing time. But I'm back.

So let me step back a few months and mention that on June 8, 2010 our newest addition turned one-years old. Jessamine Mae (Jess) is plainly put, a baby you want to know. Not only does she have the world best disposition but her smile could brighten the day of even the crouchiest of old men.

When I stood up at her family birthday dinner and raised a glass (yep every event gets a toast from Mom and yep the 'ugh not again' eyes are usually in full effect) I told my littlest love that she is the person I didn't realize I needed. Jess is such a great addition to this family it's hard to describe. It's like that great friend that you don't see enough but when you finally do your bucket is so full at the end of the visit that you have a hard time not spilling some water out getting to the car. I feel so complete having her in my life. And no I'm not going to throw the Jerry McGuire "you complete me" line. But if I were, let's just say it would be fitting.

Now I'm a little cautious when it comes to religion and a little cautious when you throw around the word fate. But Jess makes me a believer in both. I am truly exciting to see this little person develop and grow. She's going to take us all for a ride. But, I have a feeling this will be a ride I want to be on.

Happy Birthday My Little Love!

Mini Me

Well my middle darlin finished her last day of Pre-K on Friday. Now all Mommies are proud of their kids and think they are the best, but I'm not all Mommies. I know my kids are the best. :)

My middle sweet pea Alexandra Rose we lovingly refer to as Boo Boo because she loves nothing more than a good wound. A scratch - ice worthy. A bruise - deserving of a band aid. And if she is approaching the end of the day and there hasn't been a fall, trip or flail, she has been known to induce her own fall or just to reintroduce to you a day old wound.

From her appearance, I have been told she is a smaller version of me. But her big crystal blue (Daddies eyes) and outrageously long lashes make her too cute for words. She is the smallest of the lot and probably the most sensitive. She could definitely be described as shy but once she knows you and feels comfortable, stand back because she's as loud and talkative as the best of them. Talk about a turn around year. The first two months my Mom or I would drag a crying Alex to class, quickly dart out of the room while the teachers tried to calm her down, and then cry myself all the way home because I was so sad she hated school. The last day, I watched her run around with her posse of girls all smiles. Made my Mommy heart sing.

And did I mention the brain on this one. Crazy. I'm sure she can already read but is playing dumb for the sake of her big sisters pride. She's just sweet enough to do that.

I know she is going to do great in kindergarten. I know she will painfully come out of her shell and make good friends. I know her brain is going to take her so far. Basically, I know she is going to do wonderful in life. I just couldn't be prouder of this little person. This is a person I want to know, that I would choose to be around.

So with a tear in my eye I watched my baby finish her last official 'baby step' anxiously awaiting her next big steps. I'm just glad I get a front seat view. I love you my mini me.

Mommy Melt Down

I have to admit I have been a little down lately. My baby is getting ready to turn one and I don't know how the heck that year flew by. And my middle baby is getting ready to start kindergarten in the fall. Obviously, as a Mom I find such joy in watching them grow and develop into these wonderful little people. But, part of me wants to kick their legs out from under them when they start to walk and torture them with fun Mom days instead of park days with friends. Yeah, I know this is how Mom's get categorized as crazy.

From the time I can remember I was nursing animals, playing Mommy with my dollies, and planning out how I would have five kids by the time I turned 27 which was sooo old I couldn't even fathom the number. Basically, I have wanted to be a Mom. Some days I would say that's the only thing in the world I'm good at. Well, maybe not the only thing. I can make a mean chocolate chip cookie. But point being, I love being a Mom. I haven't always done the right thing or been the person I should be, but I did three things rights. I helped bring the most wonderful human beings in the world.

You can see from all my gushing, how I could be slightly upset that all my minnows are swimming away. My little LuLu had a playdate the other morning and the Mom honked, Alex grabbed her coat, gave me a "see ya Mom", and headed for the door. I think it was that very instant I realized it's happening. The pull, the cutting of the cord, the "you can drop me at the corner", the "uh Mom you're embarrassing me". Fight as I may it's inevitable. It's supposed to happen. But I don't have to like it.

So I write this blog to capture the times. To jot down memories of when my little people thought I could scale tall buildings. If nothing else, these stories will give me something to read while I wait parked blocks away waiting for my kids, who can't stand to be seen with me, to arrive.

On a baby its cute

So I'm watching my baby transform before my eyes into a strong willed, independent little being. Now Jess is a few months shy of being one, but I can already see the personality shining. You take a toy from her and she hits the floor and screams at you. And heaven for bid you are sitting on the ground with her when you take the item, because she will attack you. There is grabbing, pushing off with her feet, you name it and this little spitfire is all over. It's hard not to smile watching this little person claw their way up and over your body to get at what she wants. But at what age does that "oh how cute, she is so persistence" turn into "Oh my I have a problem child on my hands".

Alex gets her feelings hurt and storms off to slam the door. Ugh.
Jess slaps her adorable baby hands down on the hardwood floor to make a point. Ah, too cute.
Gabby screams at you if she can't find the words to express herself. Ugh.
Jess screams and throws up those cute little squishy arms over her head. Yep, it's cute.

It would appear what is cute on a baby isn't so cute on a big girl. But is that really fair. You want your kids to be strong willed, persistent, and inquisitive. However, they are hell to raise and you spend the majority of your parenting time trying to beat those traits out of them. And at what age is it no longer cute? We give babies all this wiggle room because they are just babies. But in theory isn't this the time we should be beginning to reprogram all those independent tendencies out of them. Instead we sit back watch them scream and think 'isn't that adorable'.

Now am I going to go home and smile when my six year old slams the door in my face or gives me a little push because she is mad. Well no. But when Jess gets older, I'm going to remind everyone how much we loved her spirit when she was a baby. And maybe it will help to remind me how much I love the spirit my older children have. I may struggle raising them, but what awesome powerful adults they will be.

The Power of Yeah

Well it's been a while since my blog has gotten any love. I will have to blame it on my new marketing job at home. So it all started with the realization that my oldest daughter unfortunately got a good chunk of my not so exciting traits. One of those is a tendency towards negativity. I am a fairly happy person, but it doesn't take much to send me down the road to glass emptiness. Gabby however, not only sees the glass as empty, but that bad boy has a whole in the bottom and a crack on the side. Hence my new project....

We had just finished dinner one Wednesday night, which happens to be solo Mom night, and were brushing teeth and she gave me one Debbie Downer comment too many. I looked at her and said very clearly, "Every time I say something that you want to complain about, I want you to say 'YEAH' and tell me one thing you like about what I said, then you can throw in your complaint". Now that's pretty tricky for a kid I realize, but I also know my child. She is smarter than the average duck and I thought she could handle it. And let me tell you she has (for the most part) embraced the Yeah. Sometimes the Yeah doesn't have quite as much as enthusiasm as some days, but she's doing it.

Now it's somewhat turned into a joke because my husband will walk in and ask "how's the Yeah level today". Some would say we are treating the Yeah like it is its own entity. But gosh darn, if it helps the happiness level in the house than so be it.
I won't call it a total success by any stretch. As I watched Gab slowly melt into a spiral of mess, I asked her where the Yeah was and her response was "I don't feel the Yeah right now Mom". And yes there were daggers coming out of her eyes.

So not 100 percent successful, but if it helps keep the peace and help us all remember to find the good, then I say let's Yeah it up! Show me the Yeah! The Yeah is in house. If you can't Yeah get out of my way. Yeah you get the point...

It's flying

We recently took a family trip to the beach. My kids absolutely love the beach! If the sun is up great. If it's not, that's okay too. So there I sat shivering in my two jackets, watching my wave princesses frolic around in their bikini's loving every second of being there. My husband and middle darling took a walk while the baby, Gabby, and I stayed at our temporary beach home a.k.a. the towels. I watched my oldest run down to the waters edge and come back up smiling and laughing holding the biggest bucket of water she could carry. But when I blinked there was my 18 month old running up the beach towards me. My mind clearly pictured the red and blue bathing suit, the golden ringlets dancing in the sun, and those cheeks bobbing up and down while she ran. I remember thinking I had never seen something so gosh darn cute in my entire life.

Now where did the time go? I realize that my baby is only six years old, but how did that happen? I remember when she was a baby how I wished for those milestones to click off. Wishing for her to walk. Wishing for the potty training stage to end - and boy, did she make me wait for that. Wishing for her to stop drinking from the bottle and just drink real milk. Basically I wished for her to grow up. Now all I can do is try to catch my breath and not be totally overwhelmed by how fast the growing up process is happening. I will admit that some days I love how mature and old she is getting. I feel like we have real conversations. I get glimpses of how we'll be some day enjoying a glass of wine together and laughing. Like my Mom and I. But then there are the other days when I would pay to go back and slow it down and enjoy it.

I guess this reminiscing is what makes me enjoy my final baby even more. The oldest I was rushing, the middle I was too tired to enjoy, but my baby is my final chance. She is the last shot I get at trying to soak up the babyness. Now I know, everyone tells you to enjoy it. But isn't the real reason everyone says that is because they didn't actually do it. Do you ever hear someone say, "boy I really slowed down and just enjoyed my kids being kids". Yeah well I wouldn't believe it even if I heard that. But...mark my words I'm going to enjoy this one. And just try to hold onto those few memories I have of my other two actually being babies.

Oh and I'll be sure to tell new parents to enjoy it because it goes fast. But I think I'll add in the line "because I didn't".

What I don't want to be like

One of the first thing you do when you have kids is come up with a list of all the things you don't want to do as a parent. The "my Dad used to do that" or "God when my Mom used to" comments all come flaring up to the forefront and right then and there you decide you are never going to make those mistakes or act that way. In essence you decide YOU will be the perfect parent. Well as the years go on you discover your parents weren't that bad and some of their traits, rules, etc. weren't really sooo horrible. You say all that because it's really just justification for why YOU have become your parents. And yes, you can fight it, but it's tough when you're going up against your genes, your core being.

I've decided that this whole parenting thing may take me a while to figure out. Let's face it, I've never been a quick study. I thought I might aim a little lower and say that as a Grandmother, I will not be like my parents or like myself as a parent. Now that isn't to say I haven't gotten some really great things from all my folks. And for better or worse, I am who I am because of them. Heck, I am the parent I am because of them. Suffice to say, I'm pleased with some things and could kick the rest. So I figure I will take the next 30 odd years and try to figure this whole parenting thing out and then I will be #1 Grandparent. And yes, I will wear the "I'm the Grandparent That's Cool" t-shirt. I'll be the one you want to visit, the one you want to spend a week at summer with, the one that tolerates you even when you are acting your very worst because I knows you are a little love under that crazy exterior. In essence, I'll be my Mom, as a Grandma.

In my eyes, she was the worlds best Mom. But I can tell you that as a Grandma, she rocks. Sure some days are better than others. Isn't that the case for all super heroes. But, I can tell you that she gets the biggest smiles, the best crayon pictures, and (best/worst of all) she gets the kids in their true form. They are so comfortable with her, they are honest with their feelings. When they get mad, they stomp. When they are fed up, they scream. Ok, that doesn't sound so great. But...it means they are comfortable with her. They love her like a parent. And that is just what I want to be when I'm a Grandma.

But I still have some practice to do.

The Sweetest Thing

It's rare that I'm in bed when the kids are still asleep. I'm usually trying to pull it all together by rushing through a shower, making pancakes, and laying out the flat people for my children to jump in. But every once in a while I let myself climb back into bed and cuddle. My cuddle bunny was all too warm and my pillow was beckoning. Well this morning I got a special treat. I was joined by my two oldest loves and then I woke up and got the baby to join us. So here we were on our normally large enough queen bed all warm, cuddly and basically enjoying life. Now, being me, I realized that soon enough I would be breaking up a fight, negotiating with a six year old, and forgetting to pee because I was chasing a rolling baby, but I still savored the moment.

Rick had to go to a funeral today for an alumni that went to our school. She was killed in a tragic accident and had barely even started her exciting life journey. I felt such a heaviness in my heart today. As a parent your kids drive you crazy and make you want to occasional pull your or their hair out. But they are a part of you. I would go as far to say, they are me. They are my happy. My everything. (and yeah I throw my husband in that bin as well)

So while I thought about Rick today at the service I kept remembering the morning bed rumpus. I tried to concentrate on that feeling I had with my whole family safe and around me. That's a feeling I want to lock in the vault and try to draw on when I want to run out on the deck and rock myself silly. Yes they are occasionally infuriating, but I'll take it. Because that's what life with them is going to be like and I wouldn't trade that in for anything.

Those were the days

While leaning into the toilet to apply my new sanitize and clean gel last night, I couldn't help but think about how times change when you become a Mom. It used to be that I would get excited that a new restaurant was opening or a new bar. Now in amongst kid tv shows I catch commercials advertising the latest and greatest in cleaning products. I find myself feeling excited to rush to Target to see if I can find it. The joy that I feel when that product is finally mine and I get to use it for the first time, revivals the old feeling of walking into Cat's Ally for the first time (my favorite college bar).

I felt a little sad thinking about it. With the flush of the toilet, my old memories of how things used to be seemed to be riding the wave down the drain. But then I stopped and remembered that I'm a Mom. Call it pathetic or sad, but that's what Moms think about. Yeah it's not exciting and glamorous but a new product adds a little pizazz to the daily cleaning ritual. And even though my idea of what is exciting and fun have definitely been redefined, it's not bad. I love being a Mom. I love worrying about how I'm going to get that grass stain out. I want the toilet sparkling so all those cute little girl buns have a nice place to sit.

So yeah times have changed, but I wouldn't go back or trade it in. With age comes a redefined sense of what is important. And if using that new Kaboom cuts down my cleaning time so I can spend more time with the little people, than darn it I'm excited about it.

My Idol

I have found that when you become a parent you learn a lot about what you are good at and even more about what you're not. Basically your faults become blatantly obvious.

This isn't too much of a surprise, but I'm a type A, clean freak, with low tolerance, and a get it done quick kind of attitude. Just the kind of person that makes the world worst parent. Now I'm not fishing for a "ah come on you're a great mommy" statement. I know that there are some things I'm really good at. Some days I would even give myself a small good mommy star. But I think it's good to realize "hey I need work". Luckily I have my idol and role model living under the same roof. Yep, my husband.

Rick happens to be a teacher by trade, photographer and woodworker on the side (amongst other skills), and well a generally interesting person. With all his projects, kids included, he takes the right approach, understands the problem, works to find the solution, and just generally does it right. Now some may find it irritating to have this naturally talented fella walking around. And yes, I'll admit sometimes when you're feeling bad about yourself, the glow of greatness moving through the halls doesn't warm, but stings a little. However, how fabulously lucky am I to have this person as my partner in crime in parenting. Where I fail he shines. When I think "how could I have done that differently", he answers by showing. So I consider myself pretty lucky.

I know I'm a project but how great to have the teacher nearby.

The Next American Idol Winner Is...

Since American Idol is starting tonight this seems an appropriate blog topic. I started to realize the other day that my baby gets the biggest smile on her face when I sing. In fact, when I yell at the kids, scream "dinner is ready", or read a book; she is all smiles.

I love that my voice is the sweetest thing to her. Maybe it's because she associates it with being fed or comforted. But whatever it is, it's a nice feeling. Beats the eye rolling, shrugging, walking away that often follows the airing of my voice. She's not old enough to hate the sound of my voice yet. She's not on to the fact that my voice doesn't always mean fun times are about to ensue. She doesn't realize that even the shower judges would kick me off the first week. Passion and volume are there, but pitch and tone went down the drain. All she knows is Mom is talking and Mom equals love. Such a simple equation, but one that right around 2-2.5 years old they tend to forget. One of my favorite memories in fact is my oldest walking down the hall with my (then) baby and saying, "just keep walking, you don't have to listen to her". Uh yeah, one for the record books.

But until that time comes, I'm going to cherish the fact that she thinks my voice is worthy of winning The Next American Idol.

You are, what you are

So I happened to be glancing at my youngest child's baby book this afternoon. It's one of those fill in the blank numbers that provides you the sentence and you drop in the pertinent information. Well there was one question that said, "This is what I think you will be like when you are a teenager." I laughed because I believe that's a pretty easy answer. You are, what you are.

I can tell you that my oldest hasn't changed a bit. I still remember her at 2.5 years old standing in the hall yelling, "You're being ridiculous, and I'm being difficult." Concluding with a stomp into her room. I can tell you the sentences might be longer and the stomp louder, but she is exactly the same person she was the day she came into this earth. My middle child, the same as well. As 2.5 years old she saw tears in my eyes and said, "Momma what matta?". Today, at 4.5, she's bright enough to know that if she asks the question, she better be running to get Kleenex because Mom can lay on the waterworks.

So...going back to the baby book...I really think the personality you are born with is the personality that will follow/haunt you as a teenager and well into adulthood. Until you are old enough to realize that you can control how you act and you can go against your hard wiring, you are pretty much a slave to your DNA. Which if you got the good stuff, you're golden. If you didn't, you've got your work cut out for you.

They Really Do Care

My kids have been truly blessed with an abundance of stuff. Since my two oldest are only sixteen months part, we found that in order to keep the peace we needed to purchase in sets of two. And unfortunately now that they are older, they somewhat expect, want, have a fit, if they don't receive the same item. And yes, that item must be the same color, style, etc. Crazy, I know. But anyways, we have lots of stuff.

So when asked what their favorite things are they really can't tell you. I don't blame them, I blame us for buying too much. If a kid has only one stuffed animal then by default that becomes the favorite. If they have 30, how is one to choose? However, when it comes to getting rid of anything a sudden deep and passionate attachment is formed. Case in point, Issiah. Now who the heck is this Issiah character? Well he is the pumpkin we grew from our garden and the one that Gabby took to share with her class. When he arrived at school, Gabby picked through the old stickers and happened to find an old name tag with Issiah printed on it, and there you have it. Now Issiah has been primed and ready for the ole trash can in the sky since the beginning of December. Somehow Issiah always eludes me. He is at the back door ready to be taken out and suddenly he disappears. He sat in the garage for a while hiding behind some boxes until my oldest spotted him and again he disguised himself and went incognito.

I went back this afternoon only to find Issiah and a small flower in a cup of water. This is the same flower that I mentioned, in passing, was headed for the trash because it was almost dead.

So although slightly crazy making, I find this also endearing. It means my kids really do care. Maybe they don't care as much about stuff as they do about things that grow and/or were once alive. They don't want to throw in the towel and toss something to the curb when people say it's done/over. They are optimists, they think their love alone can revive it. Well...that's not such a bad way to think.

The Great One

This story is appropriate because I really wanted to capture the essence of each of my kids. My oldest is Gabriella Leona (the Lion and yes she is). She is the one that I refer to as my drama mama. And I can say that because she is, unfortunately, exactly like me. She may look more like my husband, but her inside wiring is all me. So here is an example of a conversation that we had. Mind you we probably have at least three of these a day.

G: "Do you have that thing from yesterday?"
Mom: "What thing?"
G: "You know the thing that I was holding in my hand yesterday."
Mom: "Gab help me out a little. Is this a book, stuffed animal, what??"
G: "Ugh you know what I'm talking about!"
Mom: "I really don't. You held a million things yesterday."

I will spare you the rest. This usually goes on another 10 minutes or so, the voices get louder, the patience levels diminish, and it usually ends in two people being somewhat unsatisfied and angry. The problem is that sometimes I really do know exactly what she is talking about. So she expects the mind reading skills to be working 100% of the time. And I in turn expect her to know what I'm talking about.

I am the first to admit that I am the worst person to help her out of a spiral of confusion. But I am also the one that understands her. I am her. I made her. And in all the shuffle, my husband's calm and rational genes just flushed right out. She is passionate and loving and someone you will definitely want to room with in college. Gab has all the traits I love in myself and the ones I hate. She is a reminder of what I need to change and work on.

So if we survive her growing up (which we will) I know that we will be the best of friends. It's wonderful when you find someone that is just like you. It's like talking to yourself, but someone actually answers. But wrestling with yourself on a daily basis is the hardest part. However, if we can help each other through our character flaws and both grow up to be better people, how awesome we will be.

She's a Mom

"What do you want to be when you grow up", my daughter's friend asked me. Before I could even think about opening my mouth my oldest had replied with, "She's a Mom". I quickly gave her a "Yeah but I do work part time". My daughter looked at me with those big blues, gave them a roll (which since she is only six is more of a head rolling than just eyes), and then laughed at me like I had just said something funny.

It dawned on me that the majority of the time the kids see me making breakfast, pouring milk, running out to fold clothes, finding missing shoes, doing princess hairstyles, changing poo poo pants, and all those other not so glamorous "Mommy type" things. When I leave to go to work I can only imagine they are thinking I'm just somewhere else tying shoes and wiping noses. I'll admit it bothered me a little to be seen just in this Mommy figure role. But then I realized, wait but that's what I'm good at (most days anyway). That's what I wanted to be when I grew up. It's the role of a lifetime and now I finally landed it. Yeah the pay is pretty minimal and I'll never get a promotion, but the beni's are great!

Like everyone I think my kids walk on water and truly say some of the greatest quotes ever. I have a 6 year old theatrical giant, a 4.5 year old future mathlete, and a 6 month old smiley, rolly bundle of a baby. This blog is my way to share funny stories and document a day in the life of a glamorous Mommy.