Big Girls

Well today is the official first day back at school. We got lunches packed, outfits laid out, hair do's created and still made it on time. There is all this planning and prepping but the feeling that you get when you look ahead and see your little girls strolling up to the big gates of school, that is a hard emotion to plan for.

Unfortunately my rock couldn't make it today, so I had to big girl it up myself. I kept thinking of things Rick would say. "This is a good thing." "She is so ready for school." "This is an exciting time." And yes, that's all true. But when it was time to leave Lex sitting on the carpet my heart just broke a little. She's my buddy. My morning coffee gal. And truthfully without her home, I feel a little lost. I'm looking forward to time with Jess and just getting a chance to catch me breath. But I do miss my girls.

My friend came over with her two girls and we were talking about the first week. I was really pleased that she was feeling exactly like I was. We both love our girls and love doing things for and with them. Personally I think I am too dependent on my kids. They are my happy thought. They complete me. And that scares me a little. I don't want to be rocking myself in a corner for weeks after they leave for college. I don't want my Mommyness to totally define who I am. So if anything this week, I got a little slap in the face. Come on now, your kids are going to leave and start the pull from Mom and Dad. It's good. It's normal. And oh so painful.

So I am setting some personal goals. I need some hobbies that fulfill and complete. I need to steal some time away with just my love so we can stay connected as a couple. Basically I need to find me. But for this week, I'm going to sulk just a little. I'm going to roam around directionless. I'm going to allow myself to soak in the change and figure out how to operate without my Lexi and my Gabby setting the tone. Those personal goals will just have to wait till next Monday.