Not the Bolger Way

I was recently talking to a friend at work about my Step Mom's recent diagnosis with cancer.  She listened to me ramble on about my concern over wishing they were closer, wishing I could hear what the doctors were actually telling them, wishing I could bring meals over...Basically there's a lot of wishing going on right now.  She looked at me and finally just said, "Here it is.  You can do what you can do, but you have your family to think of as well.  Your Dad picked his life and he will deal with it."  Truthfully the words felt a little like a surprise kick to the stomach.  I know in my heart that's true, but that's just not how I was raised.  Plainly...that's not the Bolger way. 

When I first arrived down in Santa Barbara after my Dad had called me about my Step Mom, I was overwhelmed by all the concerned phone calls coming from his brothers.  The two I talked to directly told me that they were ready to drop everything and come down whenever they were needed.  One even made a point of calling and checking in every day.  Now that to me is family.  That's people that get it.  I made a comment to Rick about how wonderful that felt.  Here we were all feeling like the walls were caving in, but the Bolger Boys were ready to show up with Pa's ole tool box and try to fix them.  


Even thinking about recently when my Grandmother passed away and how quickly everyone was on the phone calling back and forth.  There was no squabbling over finances.  No battling for her last worldly possession.  They all just wanted to mourn. To remember.  Just to be together and be a family.  

My sweet beautiful young cousin got married this last weekend and as I watched this almost two table full of Bolger's I could help but think this is one lucky boy.  Heck he is marrying into one hell of a loving family.  My uncle got up and talked about family and how he was feeling it so strong.  He equated it to a village and how lucky they were to have the support of the village.  The round of applause on that one was deafening.  It was hard not to feel the love in the air from the couple, but from the support in the room.  

It's an interesting thing to be a part of and fascinating to think about.  What makes this family so strong?  They get together and laugh, dance, surf, you name it.  What was the root that made this tree so strong?  I just want to make sure my family is graphed on from that.  I want that same strength. I want to know my girls will have that same pull to gather and spend time together.  I know for sure this summer has been a trying one and my little village has been the only thing holding my crumbly cookie pieces together.  

I hope my girls can remember when they feel like the world is against them and nothing is going right that all they need to do is turn around; the village is behind them.  It may appear small at first glance, but they need only look hard to see that it stretch far.  And look there's one holding a beer and doing a little leap.  


God love this family.

The Pink Hat

Well in the chaos that is my life right now, I inadvertently threw into the wash what has been lovingly been referred to as 'the pink hat'.  I got this hat while on a camping trip to Big Sur with a dear friend and it brings up such good memories of freezing at the ocean's edge, campfire mornings, and gazing up at the redwood canopy that was our living room ceiling.  So when I pulled out this memory maker, all warm, perfectly pink, and now ten sizes too small I was not all too pleased.  However, it did get me thinking about all the hats I wear in a given day.  How some fit perfectly, some maybe I wish I didn't have to wear and others that seemed to be just right are now the ones providing endless amounts of worry and stress.

Each morning I wake up I style my hair and on goes my Mom hat.  It's the one with the large brim.  It's sturdy in case I get pulled into the trenches.  There is as much food throwing as there is excuse tossing, so this hat is easy to clean.  Tear, rips, holes are nothing for this hat.  It can handle anything.  Once I received this hat, I put it one with pride and exuberance and there is no way I would let anyone borrow it.

When I turn to the side and you see some frill, that's the wife hat.  Still trying to be cute, but under the frill is some tough canvas.  It's wanting to work, collaborate if you will.  This hat understand if sometimes it slips to the back, but its confident its on and it laughs because it knows that Mom hat wouldn't work so well without it.  

Could there possibly be any more room on this head you ask?  Heck yeah.  The daughter hat sits at the back.  Its a heavy hat, especially when you're an only child.  When no other brother or sister shares your hat and you must carry it yourself, the weight sometimes becomes unfathomable.  But it's a hat you wear every day and you remind yourself how important it is.  You realize that there will be a time that you will get to retire this hat.  That thought makes you wish you could grab strings and tie your daughter hat on just that much tighter.  For though it may feel like the heaviest of hats, when it's not yours to wear anymore the void and emptiness on your head is not easily forgotten.  

The rest of my head is filled with friend hats.  Some are small and some are large. Some take more effort to get on. Some fit perfectly.  You find that those that take little effort are the ones that you reach for first.  The ones requiring hassle and maintenance soon become your occasional hat.  The hat you wear once a year and pull out for a party.  

So as I sized up my mini pink hat and thought about all my life hats, I stopped and realized that although I would like to run from some right now and curl up inside others that's not how it works.  They are all good hats, ones that I love.  Sure some are easier to slip on than others.  Yes I wish they all fit like my wife and mom hats, but some will again and others I will resign myself to putting on the shelf.  These hats make up who I am. They define me.  Whether I cock them to the side and wear them with style, well that's up to me.  And you better believe I'm going to do my best.