It's supposed to come naturally right?

I was talking with a friend about a mutual friend that just had a baby. She was telling me about how the new mommy is finally getting into the swing of the breast feeding and the baby is getting bigger, etc, etc.  This Mom is the epitome of an earthy Mom.  She wanted a birth at home, natural baby clothes and cloth diapers for the baby.  You get the idea. So to be struggling with something so natural as breast feeding was killing her.  I just remember thinking the same thing with Gabby.  Here I was with my first.  I got these HUGE knockers and just couldn't figure out how to make it all work.  Seemed like it shouldn't be that hard.  Screaming baby.  Big full boobs.  Yep that seemed like a 2+2 equation, but it really was not that easy.  But isn't that like parenthood in general?

I can tell you that my idea of being a parent before I had kids was so far from what it is now that I actually have my three darlings.  My pre-kid images definitely matched more of the Pampers commercials, Hallmark movie specials, kind of feel. Woman has a child.  Naturally fits into being the perfect Mother.  Kids grow into  overly intelligent/athletic/Olympians by the age of 10.  All naturally perfect.  The reality is the only thing that comes naturally to me is loving them. All the rest of this parenting stuff is foreign and half the time I think they can tell I'm making it up as I go along.   

I thought about my new Mommy friend for the rest of the day and I just wanted to tell her to give herself a break.  Yeah we were blessed (not so sure about that) with being able to provide but that doesn't mean we necessarily can or even want to.  Our baby won't think any less of us.  We aren't naturally going to know the right answer always, but as long as our kids know they have a brick to fall back on if they need it, they will be strong little people.  And if every day we try to help guide them into being the best people they can possible be then we have used our biggest natural ability, love, to it's fullest.

Coffee Buddy Turns 6!

My sweet darling girl, Alex, just turned six on April 1st.  Out of the three kids, this one looks the most like me. Doesn't hurt we have the same hair do.  However, on the inside she is a lot like Daddy. Last year was probably the best year for us.  When I was struggling getting Gabby to school she would look up with those big blues and say 'Mom you look like you could use a trip to the good coffee shop.'  She was also the one that ran to the girls bathroom at school and got me a big wad of tissue to wipe my eyes after a particularly trying morning with G.  Basically, this kid knows me and knows exactly the right thing to say and do.  Just like Daddy.  

Alex is the classic middle child.  She goes with the flow, plays by herself, and just generally keeps her head down and out of trouble.  But as I've watched her this year, she has gone from this shy introvert into this brave, confident kindergartner.  She loves school. She loves playing with her friends.  If she can't find a friend to eat with, she doesn't rock in the corner like I thought she might.  She is so much braver and confident than I gave her credit for.  To sum it up, I'm super proud of her. 

I must admit that my heart ached this year taking her to school.  I became so dependent on my time with her.  Our special time.  She is the type of kid that needs tons of love but would never ask for it.  Comes with being shy I guess.  She will forever be misunderstood. It comes across that she doesn't care, but she cares twice as much.  My oldest runs into a room and announces she needs love and attention. Alex, having had a worse day, drops everything and gives it to her and doesn't ask for anything in return.  And you would think with all this giving she would at least turn around and give her baby sister a little kick every now and then.  Nope, can't even say she does that.

So she won't come into a room and suck the air out.  But she can definitely crack a room up with her one liners.  All kids do funny things and will say things that are funny.  This kid has good delivery.  That is priceless and definitely not something you can teach them.  You got it or you don't.  She is such a brainiac I always think she will end up as a doctor or a scientist, but who knows maybe she'll be the next David Sedaris.  I need a good funny read.

All I know is that I love this kid.  She keeps me sane and that is saying a lot in this house.  I miss her with me at home everyday still after a year in school.  I'm so proud of the little person she is becoming and how different she is from her sisters.  I can't wait to watch my Rose bloom.

I love you Alexandra.

Being a Mom is great, just don't look like one

Ok this is a silly one I will admit.  Recently I got my hair cut.  For some reason I got a wild hair (hee hee) and decided to let my hair dresser have her way.  Before I knew it I had bangs, layers, way shorter than I wanted, whole new look.  I looked like a Mom.  When I left I half expected to see a mini van parked where my hip 4 Runner resided.

I'm not a huge hair person.  It doesn't totally define me.  Or I should say it didn't define me. For some reason I struggling with this new do.  I look around at school drop off and every other mother looks like me.  Throw me in some uggs, designer sweats, latte in one hand, and of course the "I'm busy, I'm a Mom" look and I would get lost in the crowd.  Now that last sentence might have been a little harsh. I know Moms sometimes are wrestling the kids and just can't fit in a shower.  Trust me, I get it.  No one knows difficult morning people like I do.  The the Mom uniform is just something I personally try not to wear everyday.  Alas, my mommy brain has taken me on a tangent.

Seriously though this hair cut has been an eye opener. Suddenly I'm looking at my face and noticing all the wrinkles.  When did that happen?  I went to go put on a cute top and decided that looked a little too young for me.  I've aged almost instantly over night.  Now, I know getting older isn't all bad. I'm actually totally happy with my life and this stage.  I would maybe try to slow it down a little so I could enjoy my babies growing up, but I'm pleased.  Why does it matter I have a Mom cut.  I am a MOM.  And those wrinkles; well years of 'Mom are you sleeping' interruptions at night and worrying about them, have given me the right to have them.

So I guess looking like a Mom isn't all bad.  It's just strange when you wake up one day and realize that people only know you as [insert kids name]'s Mom.  And it's hard to look in the mirror where there was once this young face staring back and now there is a Mom, a tired looking Mom at that.  But would I trade my kids in just to get that youthful glow back?  As Jess would say, "No Way!".

Can't we all be the same

During the past year I have discovered probably the hardest part of being a parent.  Yeah the different personalities can be trying. The fact that you can't parent everyone the same, is huge as well.  But probably the hardest thing is when one of your kids is shining and the other is just floating along.

My girl Gabby is one of the most creative people (including adults) that I know. She is the worlds best friend, a kind soul, a true lover of life.  But when it comes to reading, that girl just doesn't get it.  Now, yes in the big scheme of life we can hope that will be her only issue. But trust me when your younger daughter is reading full blow novels and your oldest is still sounding out 'cat', that pulls a little on the heart strings.

What do we want most as parents? For our kids to be happy and not to struggle in life.  When you look down and see a disappointed and deflated little person it's sad.  And I can't help but feel slightly guilty.  Your kids are a product of you right?  Here we have Rick that read at 4 and Alex is a super star reader. Doesn't take a brain surgeon to know where that kid got her smarts.  Does that mean poor Gab is going to take after ole Mom?  I mean she's already excelling in social skills, my strength.  She has the quitter attitude, yep that's from me too.  Man oh man did she get the bad reader gene from me too?  I guess it's silly to think you only pass on the good stuff to your kids.  So I wonder if I'm more disappointed that she isn't picking up reading or am I more disappointed that she isn't picking up reading because of my brainiac genes running around in her head?  Now don't take that statement as admittance that I'm a full blown idiot.  I did manage to struggle through college and there are some things that I do very well.  Don't ask me to list them, I'm at a blank. See bad brain.  But I guess I was hoping that my kids wouldn't have to struggle in anything.   

Well if I have to flip it around at least I can say Gabby will know what its like to work hard.  If stuff comes too easy, people think they don't have to work at anything.  So I guess it's a good thing.  Character developing and all.

I keep telling her that in a few years she is not even going to remember struggling to read.  This struggle will be a distant memory.  But should I really be saying, 'this memory will be distant but there will be another struggle you're working on'?.   And in turn another ulcer for me.  Probably.  But I guess it's good to see your kid struggle and also to see how you deal with it as a parent.  Do you rise to the occasion and do everything humanly possible to help them?  Or do you sit wringing your hand asking why?  Well, if you're me, maybe a little of both.

One for the books

So my Gabby girl has been waiting for the last year to get a Husky Hero bracelet. What pray tell is this? Well the school recognizes kids that are cooperative, helpful, caring, etc. Basically kids that love the school and are good people. Hello that's my girl. Each week at all school sing, they draw five names from a bag and I sit anxiously wondering if I will hear my girls name. Well it didn't happen all last year and it hadn't happened yet this year either. Now luckily Gabby is the kind of kid that gives it a 'oh well' and still goes on doing good. But as a Mom you want each and every little dream your kid has to come true. Especially one so easy as this.

Today was all school sing again and I drug myself and my stroller bound toddler to the gym. Don't get me wrong I truly (and I'm being honest) love to hear little kids sing off key. Especially when two of those little angels are your own. Both girls looked around to see if I was there and gave the excited wave. I just love this age where it's still ok to love your Mom. I treasure it because I know the day will pass. So I sat through song after song, learned some new sign language, and jollied my toddler along. Finally they got to the Husky Hero awards. They first asked if there were any kids that had a special adult they wanted to recognize. Alex's teacher got called up so that made me smile. But I really wanted to get to the kids. Come on already! Well you can tell where I'm going with this...my Gabby's name got called. To watch the smile come over this kids face would have melted any mother's heart. She beamed, she quick hugged her sister, and she gave me the sweetest 'I did it Mom' look. Ok yeah I cried. After the sing when they all were walking back to class I waiting just to give my girl a little wave. But instead she ran up to me, gave me a big hug, and said 'I got it Momma'. And I'll admit, I carried that high with me the entire day.

But...the best part of the day was still to come. When I was driving with Gab and Jess to pick up Lex from a playdate Gabby said, 'You know Momma I really wanted to raise my hand and recognize you for a Husky Hero. But I just wasn't sure what to say because you are just so wonderful.' Gotta tell you, those words right there were better than any plastic bracelet.

When you sign up to be a parent you know it's going to be long hours and mostly thankless work. You get rewarded in smiles and agree to be the bad cop and punching bag when needed. It's rare when a kid will stop and tell you exactly how appreciated you are. Now I don't need thanks or appreciation but I can tell you, I loved it. This day is one for the memory book. I will treasure it and hold it dear. And when that same little gal is standing 10 years from now in my kitchen telling me that I'm ruining her life and she hates me, I'm going to pull out this memory and remember that at that moment on that particular day I was a wonderful Mom.

Where has the time gone

Well my oldest is on the eve of her seventh birthday. How that time got away from me I will never know. Picture a loosely curled blond haired girl running through the sand, shouting at the birds, while laughing all the while. That is the best image I could think of to describe my girl. Her hair is curly and always wild. She has energy to spare. She is strong willed and opinionated, but oh so loving. Her laugh is highly contagious. If you couldn't tell I really like this little gal.

When I brought her home a whole 5lbs, 12 ounces, I thought this tiny being was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She looked like a cross between my Mom and Rick. Even though he would deny seeing any resemblance of him. Since she was so tiny and born five weeks early I drove myself crazy making sure she ate enough, slept enough, reached all major milestones, etc. Basically I coddled her to pieces. Over the years she has proven to be a little challenging to raise. With each new addition to the family, the adjustment period has been long and trying. At one point last year, Rick and I barely had an evening where we weren't teary eyed talking about what to do with our little miss. But we survived, only slightly damaged. And I learned a lot about myself as a person and parent along the way. I'm definitely not the parent now that I was seven years ago.

This year we have had the privileged of watching her develop into a beautiful girl. I've never met anyone in my life that had such a strong idea of self. She loves her family. She is the best caregiver, most creative artist, and truly a loving soul. If I need an honest opinion I trust hers.

Somedays I think she is really my role model/parent instead of the other way around. I wish I had her passion and determination. There is no doubt in my mind that she will conquer the world and make friends while doing it.

Now I have a list of life regrets, but marrying my husband and having three wonderful kids are not on the list. They truly define who I am. All four are the greatest thing about me. So on this birthday eve, I find myself with mixed emotions. On the one side I will miss my 2.5 year old baby storming into the hall to tell me 'you are being ridiculous and I am being difficult' and the other side I am loving watching this little girl turn into a young woman. I am so proud of my girl and can't wait to see how she keeps growing and changing.

I know the dreaded tween and teen years where good old Mom is the enemy and can do no right are not too far away. I expect it and have seen tiny glimpses of it, but I'll survive. I know someday the two of us will sit and have a glass of wine and laugh about her childhood. Next to my husband, my mom is my best friend. I hope Gabby and I will have that someday. She is definitely someone I will want to know.

So to the world I say, 'stand back, hold on, my girl is coming.'
To her sisters I say, 'watch and learn from your big sister and know that if you need a friend, she is the best one you will ever have'.
To the grandparents I say, 'enjoy her while she still thinks you make the world turn. And love her for who she is, which is a pretty great gal'.
And to my love all I can say is, 'this has been an adventure so far and I'm sure the adventure will continue. But I can't think of anyone I would rather face these challenges and joys with. You are the world best Dad and Gabby is the loving wonderful gal she is because of you'.
Finally, to my Gabby I say, 'you've come a long way baby. I'm proud of the person you are. I admire your passion and spirit. Remember always be true to who you are. You have a better sense of self than a seven year old should have. Be true to that. And most of all, remember you are loved and that is the most important thing in the world.'


I love you my girl.
Happy Birthday

Where to Spread the Worry

Ever find yourself waking up, listening to the birds, thinking 'wow I have nothing to worry about, what a great day'? Well, I don't. Now that's not to say that there aren't moments in the day that I don't feel relaxed and just able to take it all in and enjoy. But...the majority of my waking (and truth be told, non waking moments) are spent worrying about someone.

Case in point. It was brought to my attention by my oldest daughters teacher that she needs a little more work on the sight words. Now this didn't come as a major surprise. I know my daughter and I know where her interests lie and I can tell you it is with a paintbrush and not so much the words. But it still bothered me to hear the teacher point this out. I guess I was hoping I could get her caught up before anyone noticed. Yeah right I know, those teachers are pretty smart. So I have popped into action with handouts, games, and m&m incentives. Basically when we aren't swimming, eating or sleeping, we are doing something learningish. I know in my heart she is smart and will get it and I guess the part that bothered me was that I know this is just the first of many little hiccups in her life.

You think that all you want as a parent is for your kids to be happy. But, come on, that isn't all we want. I want my kids to be happy, social, civic minded, community service oriented, healthy, athletic, artistic, caring, loving.....seriously I could go on and on. My biggest question is if they were happy would I stop worrying? Or would I just find something else to worry about. Take a kid that doesn't fit in, doesn't have any friends, but is doing well in school and appears to be happy. Does that parent so 'oh well' to the rest and take on the 'at least they are happy' mentality? I guess you have to. You can lead, assist, influence, but in the end they are what they are.

So I sit back and think how happy I am my middle child loves school and is social. I smile thinking about how my baby is finally liking her daycare and is adjusting to being away from Mom. And I try to focus on my oldest being happy and just have faith that the rest will all work out. Am I still going to lose sleep over my kids, you betcha.