Ever find yourself waking up, listening to the birds, thinking 'wow I have nothing to worry about, what a great day'? Well, I don't. Now that's not to say that there aren't moments in the day that I don't feel relaxed and just able to take it all in and enjoy. But...the majority of my waking (and truth be told, non waking moments) are spent worrying about someone.
Case in point. It was brought to my attention by my oldest daughters teacher that she needs a little more work on the sight words. Now this didn't come as a major surprise. I know my daughter and I know where her interests lie and I can tell you it is with a paintbrush and not so much the words. But it still bothered me to hear the teacher point this out. I guess I was hoping I could get her caught up before anyone noticed. Yeah right I know, those teachers are pretty smart. So I have popped into action with handouts, games, and m&m incentives. Basically when we aren't swimming, eating or sleeping, we are doing something learningish. I know in my heart she is smart and will get it and I guess the part that bothered me was that I know this is just the first of many little hiccups in her life.
You think that all you want as a parent is for your kids to be happy. But, come on, that isn't all we want. I want my kids to be happy, social, civic minded, community service oriented, healthy, athletic, artistic, caring, loving.....seriously I could go on and on. My biggest question is if they were happy would I stop worrying? Or would I just find something else to worry about. Take a kid that doesn't fit in, doesn't have any friends, but is doing well in school and appears to be happy. Does that parent so 'oh well' to the rest and take on the 'at least they are happy' mentality? I guess you have to. You can lead, assist, influence, but in the end they are what they are.
So I sit back and think how happy I am my middle child loves school and is social. I smile thinking about how my baby is finally liking her daycare and is adjusting to being away from Mom. And I try to focus on my oldest being happy and just have faith that the rest will all work out. Am I still going to lose sleep over my kids, you betcha.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Big Girls
Well today is the official first day back at school. We got lunches packed, outfits laid out, hair do's created and still made it on time. There is all this planning and prepping but the feeling that you get when you look ahead and see your little girls strolling up to the big gates of school, that is a hard emotion to plan for.
Unfortunately my rock couldn't make it today, so I had to big girl it up myself. I kept thinking of things Rick would say. "This is a good thing." "She is so ready for school." "This is an exciting time." And yes, that's all true. But when it was time to leave Lex sitting on the carpet my heart just broke a little. She's my buddy. My morning coffee gal. And truthfully without her home, I feel a little lost. I'm looking forward to time with Jess and just getting a chance to catch me breath. But I do miss my girls.
My friend came over with her two girls and we were talking about the first week. I was really pleased that she was feeling exactly like I was. We both love our girls and love doing things for and with them. Personally I think I am too dependent on my kids. They are my happy thought. They complete me. And that scares me a little. I don't want to be rocking myself in a corner for weeks after they leave for college. I don't want my Mommyness to totally define who I am. So if anything this week, I got a little slap in the face. Come on now, your kids are going to leave and start the pull from Mom and Dad. It's good. It's normal. And oh so painful.
So I am setting some personal goals. I need some hobbies that fulfill and complete. I need to steal some time away with just my love so we can stay connected as a couple. Basically I need to find me. But for this week, I'm going to sulk just a little. I'm going to roam around directionless. I'm going to allow myself to soak in the change and figure out how to operate without my Lexi and my Gabby setting the tone. Those personal goals will just have to wait till next Monday.
Unfortunately my rock couldn't make it today, so I had to big girl it up myself. I kept thinking of things Rick would say. "This is a good thing." "She is so ready for school." "This is an exciting time." And yes, that's all true. But when it was time to leave Lex sitting on the carpet my heart just broke a little. She's my buddy. My morning coffee gal. And truthfully without her home, I feel a little lost. I'm looking forward to time with Jess and just getting a chance to catch me breath. But I do miss my girls.
My friend came over with her two girls and we were talking about the first week. I was really pleased that she was feeling exactly like I was. We both love our girls and love doing things for and with them. Personally I think I am too dependent on my kids. They are my happy thought. They complete me. And that scares me a little. I don't want to be rocking myself in a corner for weeks after they leave for college. I don't want my Mommyness to totally define who I am. So if anything this week, I got a little slap in the face. Come on now, your kids are going to leave and start the pull from Mom and Dad. It's good. It's normal. And oh so painful.
So I am setting some personal goals. I need some hobbies that fulfill and complete. I need to steal some time away with just my love so we can stay connected as a couple. Basically I need to find me. But for this week, I'm going to sulk just a little. I'm going to roam around directionless. I'm going to allow myself to soak in the change and figure out how to operate without my Lexi and my Gabby setting the tone. Those personal goals will just have to wait till next Monday.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Clocking Out
Unfortunately a good chunk of motherhood feels like, dare I admit, work. You throw on so many hats in a day, its hard not to feel like a worker bee.
The Waitress Job
Kids - "What's for breakfast"
Waitress - "Buttermilk pancakes"
Kids - "Is that all?"
Exit Waitress who runs to the kitchen, makes the pancakes from scratch, pours the milk, brews the coffee, tries her best to creatively shape the pancakes into appealing kid shapes, brings the food to the table, calls the kids to breakfast, call the kids again, screams for the kids to bring their lovely bottoms to the table, retrieves the pancakes from the table to zap since they are cold, sits down to enjoy breakfast, leaps up to mop up spilled milk, clears the table, loads the dishwasher, returns to her own untouched breakfast to discover someone has removed the whip cream and strawberry's from her own plate, then decides to forget breakfast since it's time to make lunches.
Trust me their are many other roles where the scrips runs about like the above. Now, don't get me wrong, payment of smiles and pictures of rainbows are enough to keep me going. But, like all employees when the time has come for me to clock out for the night, I want to be done. I pride myself on running a fairly streamlined evening program. There is dinner, baths, occasional dance mania, books and then to bed. I will allow for the occasional re-tuck, book retrieval, or cold water gathering. However, if I have too many requests, I have the strong need to pull out my timecard and start demanding my time and a half. I realize that I'm a salaried employee that isn't paid by the hour, but I get resentful of people cutting into my non-work time. As a Mom you feel like the amount of time that you actually just get to think about nothing but yourself is about 2% of your day. So when the boss starts asking for part of that 2%, I'm irked (my middle child's new favorite word - love it).
And like any disgruntled employee, do I have an answer, a solution to this problem. Nope, I'll just write in my blog and pour myself a glass of wine and remember that this is the job of a lifetime and someday I'll miss it.
The Waitress Job
Kids - "What's for breakfast"
Waitress - "Buttermilk pancakes"
Kids - "Is that all?"
Exit Waitress who runs to the kitchen, makes the pancakes from scratch, pours the milk, brews the coffee, tries her best to creatively shape the pancakes into appealing kid shapes, brings the food to the table, calls the kids to breakfast, call the kids again, screams for the kids to bring their lovely bottoms to the table, retrieves the pancakes from the table to zap since they are cold, sits down to enjoy breakfast, leaps up to mop up spilled milk, clears the table, loads the dishwasher, returns to her own untouched breakfast to discover someone has removed the whip cream and strawberry's from her own plate, then decides to forget breakfast since it's time to make lunches.
Trust me their are many other roles where the scrips runs about like the above. Now, don't get me wrong, payment of smiles and pictures of rainbows are enough to keep me going. But, like all employees when the time has come for me to clock out for the night, I want to be done. I pride myself on running a fairly streamlined evening program. There is dinner, baths, occasional dance mania, books and then to bed. I will allow for the occasional re-tuck, book retrieval, or cold water gathering. However, if I have too many requests, I have the strong need to pull out my timecard and start demanding my time and a half. I realize that I'm a salaried employee that isn't paid by the hour, but I get resentful of people cutting into my non-work time. As a Mom you feel like the amount of time that you actually just get to think about nothing but yourself is about 2% of your day. So when the boss starts asking for part of that 2%, I'm irked (my middle child's new favorite word - love it).
And like any disgruntled employee, do I have an answer, a solution to this problem. Nope, I'll just write in my blog and pour myself a glass of wine and remember that this is the job of a lifetime and someday I'll miss it.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Defintion of a Mom
So when I finally got the little people down for the evening I sat myself down, pulled out my cut out fabric and started working on a skirt for Gabby. You may be thinking "oh how excellent, you sew". Actually, no I do not. Just getting my bobbin (is that the right word) threaded was a feat in and of itself. And yes the machine jammed. And yes I had to attempt to pull mechanisms apart and cram them back together. But, at the end of the night I had sewed what looked like an actual skirt. Well, an actual skirt made with love. I refuse to call it loving hands of home.
This is going to sound a little strange and I'm sure it will invoke a few "huh" comments, but I truly believe that I should sew. Let me rephrase...I think as a Mom I should know how to sew. And yes, I'm a fairly liberal, women studies minor type person so that's a pretty strange Susie Homemaker comment coming from me. But darn it, I believe it. I started to think more about this idea I have of what traits I should have. So, if I was going to post a job for myself here are the top 10 requirements:
1) Mom should be able to sew a simple skirt (not talking Project Runway here)
2) Mom should be able to assemble a basic Halloween costume - sew, staple, glue gun (personal fav) or whatever mean to make it happen
3) Mom should have a fall back, never fail chocolate chip cookie recipe. And be able to sense when the day requires that cookie to make it all better.
4) Mom should be able to throw a birthday party that will ooh, ah, and most importantly make that recipient feel like the luckiest little person in the world.
5) Mom should be able to make coffee, scramble eggs, feed baby, and do a french braid. And yes, all at the same time.
6) Mom should be able to reach into the depths of the drawer and find the only pair of non itchy matching socks (for 3 kids)
7) Mom should be able to determine when to tickle and when to hug
8) Mom should be able to pull together a dynamite dinner or at the least know where the number is to have it delivered
9) Mom should always have band aids and know the special rub/blowing of imaginary magic powder to relive pain
10) Mom should lie awake at night thinking about the little people and their little troubles and how to fix it all. And even with only 4 hours sleep, she better be ready to address all those troubles, put out all those fires, and make sure her little customers head off for the day with a smile and not a worry on their minds.
I would love to tell you that I have these all mastered myself. I do make a mean chocolate chip cookie and I'm hell on wheels with my glue gun. I definitely don't think all Mom's need to do these things. This is just what I feel like I should bring to the table. So, yes I will keep attempting to sew those made with love, crazy hemmed garments. And I will attempt to pull all the troops together for a wholesome breakfast of whatever the heck I could cook up when I wasn't brow beating them to brush teeth, put on shoes, etc. But the reason I will do it is because I love being a Mom and I take my job seriously. Whether or not I need to, I give myself a report card and I just keep trying to bring up the grade.
This is going to sound a little strange and I'm sure it will invoke a few "huh" comments, but I truly believe that I should sew. Let me rephrase...I think as a Mom I should know how to sew. And yes, I'm a fairly liberal, women studies minor type person so that's a pretty strange Susie Homemaker comment coming from me. But darn it, I believe it. I started to think more about this idea I have of what traits I should have. So, if I was going to post a job for myself here are the top 10 requirements:
1) Mom should be able to sew a simple skirt (not talking Project Runway here)
2) Mom should be able to assemble a basic Halloween costume - sew, staple, glue gun (personal fav) or whatever mean to make it happen
3) Mom should have a fall back, never fail chocolate chip cookie recipe. And be able to sense when the day requires that cookie to make it all better.
4) Mom should be able to throw a birthday party that will ooh, ah, and most importantly make that recipient feel like the luckiest little person in the world.
5) Mom should be able to make coffee, scramble eggs, feed baby, and do a french braid. And yes, all at the same time.
6) Mom should be able to reach into the depths of the drawer and find the only pair of non itchy matching socks (for 3 kids)
7) Mom should be able to determine when to tickle and when to hug
8) Mom should be able to pull together a dynamite dinner or at the least know where the number is to have it delivered
9) Mom should always have band aids and know the special rub/blowing of imaginary magic powder to relive pain
10) Mom should lie awake at night thinking about the little people and their little troubles and how to fix it all. And even with only 4 hours sleep, she better be ready to address all those troubles, put out all those fires, and make sure her little customers head off for the day with a smile and not a worry on their minds.
I would love to tell you that I have these all mastered myself. I do make a mean chocolate chip cookie and I'm hell on wheels with my glue gun. I definitely don't think all Mom's need to do these things. This is just what I feel like I should bring to the table. So, yes I will keep attempting to sew those made with love, crazy hemmed garments. And I will attempt to pull all the troops together for a wholesome breakfast of whatever the heck I could cook up when I wasn't brow beating them to brush teeth, put on shoes, etc. But the reason I will do it is because I love being a Mom and I take my job seriously. Whether or not I need to, I give myself a report card and I just keep trying to bring up the grade.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Where in the World have you been?
Yes, I know. You don't have to tell me it's been forever since I've written in my blog. Trust me, I know. Do I have a great excuse? Nope. Let's just say that summer with all the little people home 24x7 has not left me with much bon bon eatin, nap taken, blog writing time. But I'm back.
So let me step back a few months and mention that on June 8, 2010 our newest addition turned one-years old. Jessamine Mae (Jess) is plainly put, a baby you want to know. Not only does she have the world best disposition but her smile could brighten the day of even the crouchiest of old men.
When I stood up at her family birthday dinner and raised a glass (yep every event gets a toast from Mom and yep the 'ugh not again' eyes are usually in full effect) I told my littlest love that she is the person I didn't realize I needed. Jess is such a great addition to this family it's hard to describe. It's like that great friend that you don't see enough but when you finally do your bucket is so full at the end of the visit that you have a hard time not spilling some water out getting to the car. I feel so complete having her in my life. And no I'm not going to throw the Jerry McGuire "you complete me" line. But if I were, let's just say it would be fitting.
Now I'm a little cautious when it comes to religion and a little cautious when you throw around the word fate. But Jess makes me a believer in both. I am truly exciting to see this little person develop and grow. She's going to take us all for a ride. But, I have a feeling this will be a ride I want to be on.
Happy Birthday My Little Love!
So let me step back a few months and mention that on June 8, 2010 our newest addition turned one-years old. Jessamine Mae (Jess) is plainly put, a baby you want to know. Not only does she have the world best disposition but her smile could brighten the day of even the crouchiest of old men.
When I stood up at her family birthday dinner and raised a glass (yep every event gets a toast from Mom and yep the 'ugh not again' eyes are usually in full effect) I told my littlest love that she is the person I didn't realize I needed. Jess is such a great addition to this family it's hard to describe. It's like that great friend that you don't see enough but when you finally do your bucket is so full at the end of the visit that you have a hard time not spilling some water out getting to the car. I feel so complete having her in my life. And no I'm not going to throw the Jerry McGuire "you complete me" line. But if I were, let's just say it would be fitting.
Now I'm a little cautious when it comes to religion and a little cautious when you throw around the word fate. But Jess makes me a believer in both. I am truly exciting to see this little person develop and grow. She's going to take us all for a ride. But, I have a feeling this will be a ride I want to be on.
Happy Birthday My Little Love!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Mini Me
Well my middle darlin finished her last day of Pre-K on Friday. Now all Mommies are proud of their kids and think they are the best, but I'm not all Mommies. I know my kids are the best. :)
My middle sweet pea Alexandra Rose we lovingly refer to as Boo Boo because she loves nothing more than a good wound. A scratch - ice worthy. A bruise - deserving of a band aid. And if she is approaching the end of the day and there hasn't been a fall, trip or flail, she has been known to induce her own fall or just to reintroduce to you a day old wound.
From her appearance, I have been told she is a smaller version of me. But her big crystal blue (Daddies eyes) and outrageously long lashes make her too cute for words. She is the smallest of the lot and probably the most sensitive. She could definitely be described as shy but once she knows you and feels comfortable, stand back because she's as loud and talkative as the best of them. Talk about a turn around year. The first two months my Mom or I would drag a crying Alex to class, quickly dart out of the room while the teachers tried to calm her down, and then cry myself all the way home because I was so sad she hated school. The last day, I watched her run around with her posse of girls all smiles. Made my Mommy heart sing.
And did I mention the brain on this one. Crazy. I'm sure she can already read but is playing dumb for the sake of her big sisters pride. She's just sweet enough to do that.
I know she is going to do great in kindergarten. I know she will painfully come out of her shell and make good friends. I know her brain is going to take her so far. Basically, I know she is going to do wonderful in life. I just couldn't be prouder of this little person. This is a person I want to know, that I would choose to be around.
So with a tear in my eye I watched my baby finish her last official 'baby step' anxiously awaiting her next big steps. I'm just glad I get a front seat view. I love you my mini me.
My middle sweet pea Alexandra Rose we lovingly refer to as Boo Boo because she loves nothing more than a good wound. A scratch - ice worthy. A bruise - deserving of a band aid. And if she is approaching the end of the day and there hasn't been a fall, trip or flail, she has been known to induce her own fall or just to reintroduce to you a day old wound.
From her appearance, I have been told she is a smaller version of me. But her big crystal blue (Daddies eyes) and outrageously long lashes make her too cute for words. She is the smallest of the lot and probably the most sensitive. She could definitely be described as shy but once she knows you and feels comfortable, stand back because she's as loud and talkative as the best of them. Talk about a turn around year. The first two months my Mom or I would drag a crying Alex to class, quickly dart out of the room while the teachers tried to calm her down, and then cry myself all the way home because I was so sad she hated school. The last day, I watched her run around with her posse of girls all smiles. Made my Mommy heart sing.
And did I mention the brain on this one. Crazy. I'm sure she can already read but is playing dumb for the sake of her big sisters pride. She's just sweet enough to do that.
I know she is going to do great in kindergarten. I know she will painfully come out of her shell and make good friends. I know her brain is going to take her so far. Basically, I know she is going to do wonderful in life. I just couldn't be prouder of this little person. This is a person I want to know, that I would choose to be around.
So with a tear in my eye I watched my baby finish her last official 'baby step' anxiously awaiting her next big steps. I'm just glad I get a front seat view. I love you my mini me.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Mommy Melt Down
I have to admit I have been a little down lately. My baby is getting ready to turn one and I don't know how the heck that year flew by. And my middle baby is getting ready to start kindergarten in the fall. Obviously, as a Mom I find such joy in watching them grow and develop into these wonderful little people. But, part of me wants to kick their legs out from under them when they start to walk and torture them with fun Mom days instead of park days with friends. Yeah, I know this is how Mom's get categorized as crazy.
From the time I can remember I was nursing animals, playing Mommy with my dollies, and planning out how I would have five kids by the time I turned 27 which was sooo old I couldn't even fathom the number. Basically, I have wanted to be a Mom. Some days I would say that's the only thing in the world I'm good at. Well, maybe not the only thing. I can make a mean chocolate chip cookie. But point being, I love being a Mom. I haven't always done the right thing or been the person I should be, but I did three things rights. I helped bring the most wonderful human beings in the world.
You can see from all my gushing, how I could be slightly upset that all my minnows are swimming away. My little LuLu had a playdate the other morning and the Mom honked, Alex grabbed her coat, gave me a "see ya Mom", and headed for the door. I think it was that very instant I realized it's happening. The pull, the cutting of the cord, the "you can drop me at the corner", the "uh Mom you're embarrassing me". Fight as I may it's inevitable. It's supposed to happen. But I don't have to like it.
So I write this blog to capture the times. To jot down memories of when my little people thought I could scale tall buildings. If nothing else, these stories will give me something to read while I wait parked blocks away waiting for my kids, who can't stand to be seen with me, to arrive.
From the time I can remember I was nursing animals, playing Mommy with my dollies, and planning out how I would have five kids by the time I turned 27 which was sooo old I couldn't even fathom the number. Basically, I have wanted to be a Mom. Some days I would say that's the only thing in the world I'm good at. Well, maybe not the only thing. I can make a mean chocolate chip cookie. But point being, I love being a Mom. I haven't always done the right thing or been the person I should be, but I did three things rights. I helped bring the most wonderful human beings in the world.
You can see from all my gushing, how I could be slightly upset that all my minnows are swimming away. My little LuLu had a playdate the other morning and the Mom honked, Alex grabbed her coat, gave me a "see ya Mom", and headed for the door. I think it was that very instant I realized it's happening. The pull, the cutting of the cord, the "you can drop me at the corner", the "uh Mom you're embarrassing me". Fight as I may it's inevitable. It's supposed to happen. But I don't have to like it.
So I write this blog to capture the times. To jot down memories of when my little people thought I could scale tall buildings. If nothing else, these stories will give me something to read while I wait parked blocks away waiting for my kids, who can't stand to be seen with me, to arrive.
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